I MAY BE A FATHER
A woman I love and have been connecting with is pregnant. It may be my child. There is also a possibility that it is not.
I have known this for the last 4 months that she is pregnant and it has created a storm inside of me. I am torn. I have emotionally shut down. I have numbed myself so I dont feel too much right now. I have worked on opening myself up so much over the years and now this has been a huge weight to carry for the last while. I have been trying to get around inside of my head, what is the right thing to do?
I feel torn inside as, if I allow myself to believe I am the father too much and I am not, I will be devastated. If I start to imagine myself with a little boy on my knee and the whole world at his feet, if I allow myself the dream of raising a young man into this world and being the father that I always wanted to be, if I allow myself the image of me and my son going on adventures and him asking me questions about the world, girls and life, I cry. It has been one of the deepest desires I have ever had. It is what I have wanted more than almost anything in the world my entire life. And right now this is a possibility.
If I tell myself that this isnt my child, and it is I will feel like I have already failed before I began, by not showing up early enough, that will also kill me inside. Failure is a mans biggest fear. We'd rather die than fail.
I am too scared to go one way or another. To say its mine and not be, I'm devastated, to say it's not and it is, I've failed.
And so I am trying to move through life as best I can, but without feeling too much because I am afraid.
I am not asking to be saved or helped I am simply expressing that a man feels deeply in these moments around pregnancy also. I do not begin to understand what a woman goes through in pregnancy, especially not knowing who the father is. But I can speak for the man who doesn't know if he is a father. Waiting on the precipice, the edge of the unknown, the boundary of a black hole of possibility. It's a scary place for a man. Not knowing, constantly in his head trying to understand and feel at the same time. It is not a place of comfort.
Men have hearts too