I AM A RECOVERING UNDER-FUNCTIONING MALE.
When you attach yourself to being an ‘under-functioner’ it can feel like you’re calling yourself an under performer, an under achiever, or someone who is under developed.
But like anything, if you deny your truth, you deny your opportunity for growth.
I also wanna remove all negative stigma around this because I am so fucking proud to have this as my story and I’m going to tell you why.
Growing up, I always felt like there was something wrong with me. I felt inferior. I felt less smart. I felt like I was less a human being than everyone else. Like everyone else had some ability to function better than I could.
I looked on at the other boys and felt I was less a man than they were.
This translated into a struggle to finish and complete things.
This led me to not want to try because I did not feel I was worthy or good enough.
I rebelled against discipline and authority.
I played a story my entire twenties I was this guy with potential but could never capitalize on that potential.
I lived with my head in the clouds but a lack of execution in reality.
I really struggled.
Fear sabotaged me.
Shame overwhelmed me.
I had confidence on the outside but deep down I did not feel worthy of so many things.
I felt incomplete somehow. Defunct. Like I wasn’t made whole like everyone else.
This begins in early childhood when a parent OVER functions so that the child can UNDER function.
When a parent has undigested trauma or can’t sit with the full range of their emotional experience, they will not be able to sit with the emotional experience of a child who is struggling.
This creates the drive to OVER function, OVER regulate, and OVER coddle the child to ease the parent’s discomfort that is arising.
This creates dependency on the child to use the primary caregiver for emotional regulation.
This is because the parent can’t tolerate the discomfort of seeing their child struggling to do things out in the world so the parent steps in and does TOO much.