Gutted. That’s the only word that comes to mind to describe how I feel about what just happened, even though I feel proud and grateful at the same time. Dropping Zyan at college yesterday and driving away without her was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do as her mother. Nothing prepares you for that, even 18 years of parenting. Every time I imagine flying home tomorrow to sleep in my bed and her not being in the next room I am flooded with tears. When I think of her as a little girl my heart jumps into my throat. When I remember all the pick ups and drop offs, dance shows and gymnastics competitions, packed lunches and rushed mornings, car fights and late night episodes of Glee, all I can do is cry. My sidekick is all grown up and I’m not ready.
Ironically, when people tell me they want to have more kids but they’re waiting for this that or the other I always tell them one thing: you’re never ready. Never. If you wait until you’re “ready” you’ll be waiting forever. Just do it and everything else will fall into place, is my advice.
So here I am, not ready. I know “everything will fall into place” but at the moment, I feel gutted. Along with that, I feel so much more. Excited for Zyan to have a chance to grow and expand and find passion for new things. Proud that she is a fierce, powerful woman with a soft and tender heart that loves deeply and compassionately. Honored that she chose us as her family, me as her mother, and this life to walk with us. Grateful beyond measure that we get to call her our daughter and that we still have so much more to experience together. Relieved that we made it this far and she is safe, healthy, and happy. Hopeful that our next visit will come in the blink of an eye, and then the next and the next. Faithful that all is happening exactly as it should, and in perfect time.
One last thing. You know how when you have a baby or a toddler (or both) and you’re walking around with squashed banana on your ass, breastmilk on your shirt, you’ve had to pee for at least a couple of hours and you’re rushing through Target and some well intended old lady stops to tell you to “enjoy it, it goes by so fast?” (Cont in comments)